noted

army days

i wrote this sometime last year. after being away from her for 7 months. it's a dream i had one night that took place in a different time and place like a lost sonnet, drifting through my consciousness. i was a soldier, training at camp and it goes like this-

army days were getting bad and tiring. had more than i thought i would be able to take. been away too long from her. tonight's the first night all of us recruits get to have some fun. funny how everyone seems too tired to actually be enthusiastic about tonight. i'm one of them. i sit with my shoulders slightly hunched, wondering where she is in a matter-a-fact kind of way. the days have been long but somehow gone by fast. most of them have been too tiring for me to actually realise that its been this long away from her.

then she arrives... i see her through the crowd, dressed in a simple top and skirt. - my angel - come to find me. i get up and walk to her and we stop for a while just to look at each other. we dont run and grab each other like the movies, just a slow, calculated walk up and pause and we embrace. the world is warm again.

she smells so clean and fresh. my world becomes her again. she's soft in my arms. we still havent spoken a word. and although we dont actually hold each other for that long, it feels like a day. it doesnt turn out to be dramatic like how i imagined it, just peaceful and comfortable like something "right" happening.

all the other thoughts about distance, about strain and all the small things that kept us down dont really matter anymore. all that matters in this eternal hug is *damn she's soft, damn she smells good, damn ... this is perfect*

we spend the rest of the night in a blur, just walking and talking, i can't specifically remember much about what we said, but i remembered floating most of the way through the sea of other people, other couples, groups of friends meeting up. when i stopped to talk to some of the other ppl, she would wait patiently by my side or an arm's reach away. she seemed peaceful and calm, beautiful that way. as if afraid to be too happy because that might make it end too soon. so she smiled soft smiles and soft little laughs, playing the moments down so that it wouldn't hurt too much when the time came to leave.

and the time to leave did come, the night seemed so short- we didn't get to say a proper goodbye, i had gone to get a drink and she was waiting across the hall when they announced that it was time for all the visitors to leave. i tried turning back to get to her- hold her one last time. but it was too late, they had begun ushering all the civilians out of the building and she was on the other side. looking at me. we waved goodbye- her face- still calm, but sad. my heart felt its warmth fading out fast, but there was nothing i could do, except wait for the next time we could meet again...

2004